Koishii
by Melfina-Pan
Summary: Kenshin reflects on his feelings for Kaoru and such.
1. I

**This is just a little piece I wrote.  It's not really going anywhere, just a bit of reflection.  And, of course, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

**Koishii**

I lay still holding Kaoru close to me as I stared up at the ceiling.  We had finished making love not long ago.  It was our first time together so it was indeed very special.  I'm still overwhelmed by the passionate love I feel for this woman.    

"Kami-sama," I thought, "please don't take this away from me."

            I lost my parents and caretakers as a child.  I lost my innocence as an assassin.  I lost Tomoe, my first love.  I just can't loose this.  I felt Kaoru burry her face into the crook of my neck, interrupting my silent pleas.  She was so close, but her body didn't deem itself close enough.  I had to admit that I was the same.  I could never be close enough to her.  Kaoru.  She moved again as if hearing me call her name in my thoughts.  I continued to hold her and she smiled, content, in her sleep.  She is always the most beautiful when she smiles and I try my best to make her smile as often as I can.  

            I didn't expect to find a new life when I came to Tokyo.  I was intent, instead, on finding a man who was killing innocent people.  I heard that he was in this city causing trouble and he was calling himself by a name that I had been trying to shed in recent years, Battousai.  Hurting and killing in my name.  I had to stop it.  Then I would be on my way to wander once more.  That was what I thought at least.  I didn't realize that meeting a fiery, spirited, young woman in the streets would change the course of my life.  Kaoru.  From the moment I met her I felt drawn to her.  I had no clear answer as to why.

Kaoru had given me a place I could call home.  When she asked me to stay at the dojo, I turned her down, thinking it would be best not to bring anymore unwanted attention to her, but when I turned back and saw the loneliness in her eyes, it made me realize just how lonely I was.  So I stayed.  She gave me the chance to form new friendships and live a normal life.  While living at the dojo, I never experienced such happy times.  With people like Yahiko and Sano around you have to expect a good laugh every once and a while.  There was always something to smile about, whether it was Kaoru and Yahiko fighting or the simple pleasure of playing ball with the doctor's little grand daughters.  Had I not become an assassin, I would have been content to live a life like this from the start.  What would my life be like now had I insisted on leaving the dojo from the very beginning?  If I just turned my back on Kaoru and walked away after the fake Battousai incident.  I'm sure it would have been very lonely.    

Over time it dawned on me that I was falling in love.  I was in love only once before.  Tomoe had been very quiet, graceful, and refined.  She was taught to be an ideal, well-rounded woman.  She was the picture of what a woman should have been in an era gone by.  Kaoru didn't have such refinement.  She was far different from Tomoe, but I liked that because I was now a different man.  Her personality was unlike any that I had encountered in a woman.  She was feisty and never allowed anyone to push her around.  At times she was a tomboy, but she could also be very feminine in her brightly colored kimonos.  She had a delicate beauty with her pale skin, long black tresses, and beautiful blue eyes.  Maybe she was wasn't a great cook, but her warm heart and smile made up for any deficiencies.  I knew I had again found a partner.  She became someone to confide in, someone to laugh and cry with, but most importantly someone for me to love and protect. 

"Arigatou koishii," I whispered leaning down to kiss the top of her head.


	2. II

I woke up, sunlight assaulting my eyes.  I was so warm and incredibly comfortable.  Kenshin was still holding me.  He is such a wonderful sight to wake up to.  All I could do was lay there and watch him sleep feeling secure in the quiet rhythm of his breathing.  He even smiled in his sleep.  I know that when he's awake he hides a lot behind that smile, but this expression was different.  He seemed truly content.  

Memories of the night before flooded my mind.  Last night he made me his.  The pictures in my head made me feel hot and cold at the same time.  He was so sweet and loving, making my first time better than I could have ever imagined.  I felt tingles remembering the way his lips felt against my skin.  Such intimacy that I never would have imagined when we first met.  

The idea that he actually loved me took a while to sink in.  I always felt self conscious, especially around people like Megumi-san.  She was much more feminine than me and she continually made snide comments in front of Kenshin.  I always thought that Kenshin would be more interested in a woman like her.  After all what could I offer him?  I am pretty quick tempered, I can't cook to save my life, and I never considered myself to be pretty.  I felt even worse after Kenshin told me about his past and Tomoe-san.  I could never compare to a woman like that.  She was probably much more delicate than I and more beautiful too.  

All of my self-doubt was eradicated not long before the fight with Enishi.  Megumi-san said some horrible things to me that night.  She asked how a tomboy like me thought I would ever win Kenshin's heart.  She pointed out how unladylike I was and that I could never compare to Tomoe-san.  Her words hurt me a lot, so much so that they drove me to tears.  I remember running by Kenshin in the hall.  I must have looked terrible with tears staining my cheeks and red puffy eyes.  When I reached my room I fell onto my futon and cried even more.  I thought maybe I'd drown in my tears.  After a while I heard a knock on my door.  It was Kenshin.

**Flashback**

"Kaoru-dono.  May I come in?"

"Iie!  Leave me alone!"

            He must have heard me crying.  I didn't want him to see me or to figure out that he was partially to blame for my crying, even though he had done nothing to me.  His next plea sounded a bit more desperate though.

"Onegai let me in.  I want to know what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong.  Just go!"

            I heard my door slide open and then the footsteps.  He came in even though I asked him not to.  I remember screaming in my head, asking kami-sama to make him go away, but my silent pleas went unanswered.  Just then I felt him sit beside me.  I looked up at him and I saw that his gaze was fixed on me.  He looked so worried.

"Forgive me Kaoru-dono…"

"URRRRRRRRRR…Kaoru-dono!  We're friends right?  Why must you always call me that like you don't know me?  It's irritating!"

            He didn't answer to the outburst.  Instead he pulled me into an embrace and held me to him.  I quivered at his touch and soon began to loose my composure again, crying desperately into his chest.

"What happened to make you cry so much Kaoru?"

            I was surprised that he indulged me by not adding "dono."

"It's nothing," I said.

I pulled away a bit and raised my hand to brush my tears away, however, Kenshin caught my hand and wiped my tears away himself.

"It must something if it hurt you this much."

"I…I…It's just that I hate myself.  That's all."

            He looked at me puzzled.

"Why."

"I'm just an awful tomboy with no sense of femininity.  No man would ever love me."

            His brow furrowed as he looked down at me.

"And where did you get such an idea?"

"Just look at me."

"I am."

"Well, what do you see?"

"I see a woman who is very confused and can't see the beauty in herself." 

"Nani?"

"I heard the things Megumi-dono said to you.  They were cruel and very wrong."

"Eh?  Y..You heard?"

"Hai."

            I looked down into my lap.  I felt embarrassed to say the least.

"She should not have compared to you someone she didn't know."

"I think she's right though," I said as fresh tears formed, "From your description of Tomoe-san, I don't even compare.  I wish that I could be…"

"Kaoru," he said, interrupting me, "A comparison between you and Tomoe is impossible."

            What was that!  Was I really that bad?  I admit that I had little self-confidence to begin with, but that didn't mean he had to shatter what I had left.  He must have seen my expression because he quickly continued.

"What I mean to say is that you and Tomoe are completely different.  She was reserved, refined, and beautiful, yet there was an aura of sadness that followed her everywhere she went.  Sadness that I caused.  Though it was my fault that she was unhappy she loved me anyway.  I loved Tomoe because she offered me the chance to love freely.  During the time that we were together acting as husband and wife, she showed me the pleasure of leading a simple life.  She was the first person I ever opened my heart for and she was also the first person to do the same for me."

"And how exactly am I supposed to compare to that," I asked myself silently.

"You are a different woman.  Different in almost every way.  You are so vibrant and full of life.  When I'm around you I know for certain that I am truly alive.  A bright aura surrounds you and it was that aura that drew me to you.  Your energy and warm heart attracted me lie a moth to a flame…You have an incredible inner beauty."

"Ken….shin."

            Kenshin smiled down at me, his violet eyes sparkling with happiness and maybe even love.  

"Of course you are beautiful on the outside as well."

            I could feel the heat of a blush on my cheeks.  He really thought I was beautiful?  

"Those are the reasons why I have come to love you Kaoru."

"Love?  You…You love me?"

"Hai.  I will do my best to be one that deserves your love in return."

            I threw my arms around him in a tight embrace.

"I've loved you all along.  You never had to do anything to earn it.  You deserve to be loved more than anyone.  Kenshin no baka."

**End of Flashback**

            That is how I found out once and for all how he really felt about me.  Now I'm watching him sleep again.  Usually he is an early riser, but ever since we started sharing a futon, he's been sleeping in a bit later.  I lean in close and kiss his forehead before snuggling close to him.  

"I love you Kenshin," I whispered closing my eyes and falling into peaceful slumber.


End file.
